That’s What They Said
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
I have a book in my vast library, some bought, most borrowed, Don’t Forget to Sing in the Lifeboats. I picked it up one afternoon while taking a break from reading another tome in a research project.
I should explain: I was reading, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, written by a J.K Rowling. I have never met J.K. but I can tell him that he will never make a dime out his work if he doesn’t tell us his name. People refuse to read anything a writer scribbles if he, or in some rare cases she, doesn’t tell us his or her full name. Another example of this stupidity is J.R.R. Tolkien. She wrote The Hobbit and a second book The Lord of the Rings. I hate to tell J.K and J.R.R. but all their time and effort has been wasted; the books will not sell and the two of them will end up on welfare or worse, members of the Trump Cabinet.
Plus, there is no raw sex in any of their stories and that is a recipe for failure. Quite frankly I was hoping for something kinky to happen between Harry Potter and Hermione ― especially Hermione. With a name like that she will never get lucky unless she is one hot-looking number. As for Dildo or whatever the Hobbit’s name is in the Rings thing, not a chance ― although his furry feet may be quite appealing to some ladies especially those who are a little closer to the primate family. I am thinking of Oro-Medonte girls of course.
I have already wasted too many lines on these losers and must get back to the Lifeboat book. It is a collection of quotes from famous people. Some of the more insightful have been around for 2,000 years and even more. The quotations I mean, not the authors. Epictetus is in there. I have to assume he passed on to his reward some time ago having been born in 55 C.E.
What I have noticed and have discussed many times with other learned folks lying in the grass waiting for the Liquor Store to open, is not whether they actually came up with these great lines on their own, but did they ever say them in the first place. Many famous sayings appear to have been said by several people. Do you really believe these people actually spoke the words or did they steal them? I suspect some PR agent hired by a public figure thumbed through Bartlett’s Book of Quotations and stuck his client’s name on two or three of the better ones.
One quote I’m not sure I would want my agent to tack my name to is Charles Bukowski’s, “Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink.”
Chuck was talking about coping with life. The saying may be true but somehow I don’t think I would want to have dinner at his house unless the table is set with paper plates and plastic forks. Bukowski is obviously not married. I looked him up and found he did have, and maybe still has, a live-in girlfriend he refers to as ‘Old Snaggletooth’. She must have a marvelous sense of humour or is more than a wee bit deaf.
William Shakespeare has dozens of quotes in hundreds of books. I find that absolutely amazing since no one understands anything he ever wrote except for a few high school English teachers and Sir Laurence Olivier and Larry is dead.
I wish I could write something that will live forever, other than my, ‘only a Canadian would have invented the bra. That’s like building a Cadillac with no doors. The only way to get in is climb through the back window,’ I thought I better write that down before someone steals it. Bill Clinton might use it in one of his $10,000 speeches and I won’t get a farthing.
It almost seems like cheating to use these quotations in a column but I love them and never get a chance to use them in public. Like me, you must get really annoyed when some so-called intellectual says, “As Winston Churchill once said… ”
Maybe Winnie did say it, but he may not have written it. I like stuff that some guy just tossed out in a conversation and somebody picked it up and wrote it down. One of my all-time favourites is Paul Newman’s ‘Just when things look darkest, they go black’. Although Epictetus probably said it first back in 55 C.E.
(Image Supplied)
