Bumstead, you’re… fired!
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
You are going to have to forgive me for slipping in a column from long ago. Is it relevant to the disasters perpetrated on the world by a loose cannon, not really but I was looking back through my columns from the late, great, Packet and Times and stumbled upon my article about a travesty of justice inflicted upon that ancient newspaper’s faithful readers. I have no idea who made this decision, but I’m sure it will come up on Judgment Day and things will not go well.
It’s been a week now and except for breaking into tears every 20 minutes, I’m showing signs of recovery. The shaking has abated somewhat and . . . Wait a minute! You don’t know what I’m talking about. I better fill you in on the latest tragedy in the Sunshine City.
My readers will be saddened to learn that the Packet and Times sacked Dagwood Bumstead, a long-time employee. Mr. Bumstead had been on the payroll since the late 1930s.
As for me, I worked alongside Dag for nearly 12 years. I found him to be a friendly and caring colleague who never failed to help out with suggestions when my intellectual processes shut down, which is often (right now as a matter of fact) or share the bottle of over-proof vodka he kept in the bottom drawer of his desk
It is no secret that Bumstead and managing editor, Mark Bisset, had words on several occasions. The mysterious computer glitches plaguing the Packet recently were finally traced to gallons of bath water that overflowed when Dagwood fell asleep in the tub. Try explaining that to the penny-pinching accountants at Osprey’s head office.
It gets worse. Hagar the Horrible also got the axe. There are rumours that his termination was ethnically motivated, but you didn’t hear that from me.
Two of my personal favourites, Broom-Hilda and Animal Crackers, simply disappeared, plus a couple of others that advanced age has mercifully removed from my memory banks.
I realize it is not the concern of management what happens to cartoon characters once they have been deleted or whatever it is an editor does to remove them from the comics page. Details of their severance packages have not been disclosed, but I suspect other than a $4 watch and a somewhat vague letter of recommendation, they will get little.
A number of the regulars were seen in the line at Employment Canada this morning. To be honest things look grim. The fact the claimants are technically fictional characters and likely American may be a factor in determining if they are eligible for benefits or whether they will slowly starve to death along with the Packet’s regular columnists.
At the moment, the welfare of the Bumstead family is my greatest concern. It is a well-known fact that Dagwood’s employer, Julius C. Dithers, the CEO of Dithers Construction, is not what one would call an ‘enlightened administrator’. He has no doubt contributed little if anything to a company pension plan. Dithers is on the list of character witnesses slated by Edward Greenspan to appear in support of Conrad Black. That should tell you something.
The Bumsteads have little in the way of personal savings. Blondie Bumstead does own and operate a successful catering business. However, the bulk of the profits have been going to pay for plastic surgery for both Mrs. Bumstead and business associate, Tootsie Woodley. Neither woman has a nose. Since 1933 they have been walking around with just a wiggly line above their upper lips.
There is little hope of financial assistance from the Bumstead children. Both have been in school for over 50 years and the chances of either getting a diploma seem slim at best. Who is going to hire a high school dropout for more than minimum wage? In Orillia? Nobody.
Cookie, Dagwood and Blondie’s beautiful daughter, has developed quite nicely and there may be some future for her as an exotic dancer. Cookie too has a nose problem. However I’m sure the patrons at the hotels where she is likely to be working will not be looking that high anyway.
As for Dagwood, there is scant hope he will be able to catch on at any of the high-tech firms. His performance reviews have not been good. Bumstead has been reprimanded for sleeping on the job many times. That sort of thing does not look good on a resume.
The family will certainly need the money. Their food bills must be enormous. I totalled up the cost of the ingredients in his last sandwich. The cold cuts alone ran in excess of $65.00 and we know he doesn’t scrimp on the Dijon mustard.
As loyal readers, the nation’s readers have an obligation to support Dagwood during these troubling times. If you can’t help out financially, please send the poor man something to eat – and maybe a can of veterinarian-approved dog food for Daisy and the pups.
(Image Supplied)
