Matchmaker, Matchmaker
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
This column is for the ladies. Men won’t understand it. It has to do with interpersonal relationships and other things they don’t have a clue about.
This morning I stumbled across a review of a self-help book, There Is No Prince By Maureen Walsh (which of course is not true. I’m sure Harry will be on the loose one of these days) and also advertising a weekend workshop hosted by the author and a New York psychologist, Marilyn Graman. The name, Graman, sounded familiar and sure enough I wrote a column about her way back in 2016. She had started Marriage Works, a husband-hunting service in New York that was available for a mere $9,600 (U.S). For this piddling amount, Marilyn would get a young lady ready for marriage. She wouldn’t find her a husband unfortunately, but she would put her client in a more receptive mind-set. (I mentioned at the time that a woman who just blew 9,600 bucks wasn’t likely to have much of a mind to set.)
What she was offering was a program which included a talk with an interior designer on how her living space could inadvertently shut out men. Marriage Works would send a consultant to her home to help make her closet man-ready. I would think throwing out 30 pairs of shoes, 4 lime green bridesmaid dresses and that life-size cutout of Peter Mansbridge when he had hair would help.
There was also a trip to a bridal salon thrown in and even a question and answer session with real live men on how to act like a goddess.
Yes, Ms. Graman had actually figured out what men want – a goddess. Not a goddess like Venus de Milo of course, she had no arms and her husband had to do the dishes.
The trouble with Marriage Works was after forking over $9,600 the poor girl still didn’t get a man.
I couldn’t let lonely ladies waste another dime in hope that someday she might stumble on some guy sleeping one off in the park and drag him to the altar. She needs guarantees. Therefore I opened Little Jimmy’s Dating Service to find a young lady a man – or something fairly close to it. Due to some unfair questions about my qualifications and a narrow-minded bank manager who suggested my plan was asinine and refused to fund the venture, Little Jimmy’s never got off the ground. That is until now. By a stroke of good fortune, a Nigerian prince has heard of my plan and is quite interested in a partnership.
Little Jimmy’s New and Improved Dating Service
This is not some get-rich-quick scheme to bilk you out of a pile of cash – far from it. I can find you a gentleman for $2,500 ($4,500 tops) – unless you insist on a chap who has a job and doesn’t comb his sideburns (or even worse, eyebrows) over his bald spot, but we can discuss all those special requests after my fraud hearing. Please take a few moments to answer this simple questionnaire and email it along with an e-transfer for $2,500 – better make that $4,500.
NAME ― (yours – I already know mine)
AGE ― (I know I have no right to such personal information. However it would be silly for me to send a young virile Ryan Gosling type to some old dolly in her 30’s or 40’s. That isn’t what those women are looking for. They are searching for a mature gentleman. I’d go myself but Mary won’t let me out after supper.)
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MARRIED? (Again this may seem irrelevant, but if you’ve already worn out one man, I’m not sure you should get a shot at another. We mustn’t be greedy – unless of course, you are willing to cough up a few more bucks then some allowances can be made
Perhaps the most important part of the stud application form is the following section:
WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A MAN?
HEIGHT ― (Bear in mind that a male’s intelligence grows in inverse proportion to his height – i.e. Albert Einstein was a little runt about my size, while slower folks like politicians and circus geeks are much taller.)
WEIGHT ― Most women prefer us pudgier gentlemen since we are rarely abducted by conniving divorcees. There are drawbacks of course. If one is taking a chubby chap to a beach, far too often, he is surrounded by animal activists, wetted down, and dragged into the ocean. The second is we are often mistaken for sofas and re-upholstered.
DO YOU MIND A SOCIAL DRINKER? ― (A social drinker is a gentleman who consumes less than 12 beers or a quart of straight vodka a day. A problem drinker is one who often wakes up naked in a strange city wearing roller skates and a pinwheel hat.)
DO YOU MIND A BED-WETTER? ― Years ago, a woman complained to Star advice columnist, Elly, that her new husband wets the bed. If she is going to be that picky she doesn’t deserve a husband. This common problem is a normal part of married life – unless of course he stands up while doing it.
(Image Supplied)
