Reviewing The Work I Have Done
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
I read in Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader that Jesus most likely had short hair because that was the style at the time. If that is true then all the artists over the centuries, and there were hundreds of them, have been painting or sculpting the wrong guy. It is even possible he wasn’t blond-haired and white.
Not being a complete idiot, I will leave it there or the neighbours will be gathering rocks. If I decide to get stoned I would rather it be at the behest of the staff at the LCBO.
I have been sitting here staring at my computer for two days. I really have because I have been writing Christmas columns since 1995 and have run dry on the subject. I’ve had poor Santa picked up in a RIDE program at least twice. As I recall, one time he got away from the old police station on Peter Street. While the cops were busy making out their lists and checking them twice, old Nick laid his finger beside his nose and up the chimney he rose. Even a cop should have known he could do that. It’s right there in the Penal Code just after the 25 cent limit on Tooth Fairy payouts.
I had him charged once or twice for Cruelty to Animals and the old geezer deserved it. Imagine forcing eight tiny reindeer to haul a flippin’ sleigh full of all kinds of stuff in 20 below zero weather with the North wind a-howling and blowing. That is bad enough but we had four feet of snow in 2022 and his reindeer were only a foot and a half tall. You know what your crotch felt like when you waded into Lake Couchiching on the 24th of May, well this was worse. Dancer still walks with a limp.
Santa’s delivery system was haphazard at best. The silly ass dropped a full-sized treadmill down a chimney in Barrie one year and squished a puppy dog looking up to see what the commotion was on the roof.
Plus he violates a dozen labour laws every year by employing non-union fairies and elves, elves by the way, who rifle your silverware drawers and make short work of any single malt scotch they can find.
I went after the shepherds many times, even suggesting some were in romantic relationships with some of the prettier members of the flock. I was banned from the Orillia Fall Fair over that column. Fortunately it was overruled when the judge took a good look at the curly hair on a couple of the shepherds’ kids.
I certainly was not kind to the Wise Men over their choice of gifts. I helped Mary pick out gifts for the grandchildren and we did a lousy job, but at least we didn’t buy them frankincense – perfume? Come on, it smells like marijuana to me. Another thing, can you imagine giving myrrh to a baby? A kid hooked on that stuff would need all the gold the Magi brought to the baby shower just to feed his habit.
I also questioned where all the gold went. We never read anywhere that Joseph bought a new lathe or a planer for his carpenter shop. Why? There wasn’t any gold that’s why. Even with a few ounces they could have bought one of the high-end condos in downtown Nazareth and spent the winter in one of the luxury resorts up on the Mediterranean.
I went after Chuck Dickens’ A Christmas Carol several times even suggesting Tiny Tim was not a cripple at all. He had a nail in his shoe. Bob Cratchet was too stupid to look inside the used boots when he was shopping at Value Village. Come to think about it, Timmy wasn’t too bright either, he was the jerk who pulled them on every morning.
What was Scrooge supposed to do with Bob anyway? He was hardly what we would call a good employee, always bitching about the lack of heat in the counting house, spent half the day warming his fingers over the company-supplied candle. You never read where Bob thanked his boss for paying him a full day’s pay while he was home pigging out on Mrs. Cratchet’s homemade Christmas pudding. To top it off, he came to work 15 minutes late on Boxing Day. Under the terms of the union contract at Otaco (re: statutory holidays) he shouldn’t have been paid for Christmas at all.
You have probably noted that I never went after old Ebeneezer Scrooge himself. I’m afraid it was for self-preservation. I hate to admit it but at the time I thought he was a paid-up member of Preston Manning’s Reform Party and I didn’t want those loonies after me.
(Image Supplied)
