From The Compendium of Comedic Citations
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
I believe I promised to never again steal interesting stuff from Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers, but sometimes there are articles in there that just beg to be lifted. Some are humorous little items Uncle John found in hospital E R reports – like:
Patient, 31, was playing sex games with wife, had belt around neck, jumped over something and got hung up. Also fell down stairs.
Thinking back to your own kinky bedtime experiments, did you ever think wrapping a belt around your neck and attacking the missus seemed like a good idea? Of course if the aforementioned belt was also tied to a ceiling fan I can see why it might turn your crank. And if you did, was it your idea or was it suggested by your wife after consultation with her insurance broker?
Patient playing with pillow case, buddy put a rock in it?
I’m not suggesting anything here but by any chance was his wife and this buddy person quite fond of each other? And was he, perish the thought, an insurance broker?
This next one needs a bit more information.
Patient fell while walking dog, talking on cell phone.
I have several friends with dogs and as far as I know, none of them allow their dogs access to a telephone, an iPad maybe. Any information a dog needs can be gathered at a nearby tree or hydrant and . . . really? Mary said the patient was the one using the phone not the dog. I didn’t see the comma, well then I guess it makes sense.
46-year-old patient riding bike, cell phone caught in spokes, patient flipped over handlebars. fractured nose.
Just a suggestion, but shouldn’t Rogers, Bell, or whoever, be required to offer some sort of safety training or at least ask for psychiatric proof the customer is allowed out without supervision?
Enough of the hospital stuff and on to the classifieds.
Attorney at law: 10% off free consultation.
Now there’s a bargain we wouldn’t want to miss.
Braille dictionary for sale, must see to appreciate.
For you alone! The Bridal Bed Set
And last but not least
Mixing bowl set. Designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
If the cook calls the police after the beating, don’t forget the attorney’s offer above, 10% could add up to quite a saving.
I am a great fan of Uncle John. This book, and there are dozens more of them, are filled with articles, some big, some small, but all designed to catch a one’s eye and before you know it you have blown the whole afternoon. You never got around to put your dirty clothes in the washer like you promised. The lawnmower is still in the garage. The oven is cold, but not as cold as the kiss your wife is going to lay on you when she gets home. Plus you forgot to pick up a bottle of wine the kind she likes to sip away at when she cooks your favourite dinner which of course she won’t be doing since you forgot to get it. She won’t be able to cook for a while anyway because you forgot to peel the potatoes and now she has to. You will be lucky to eat by midnight all because you spent all day reading that G D book.
“And who in hell is this John guy anyway? He must be another one of your freeloading relatives who are always dropping by, without bringing so much as drop by the way, but quite willing to slurp down anything we have in the house. I don’t know why I married you in the first place. I should have listened to my mother. I could have married a doctor – a frigging doctor. Can you imagine? I’ll bet he would have remembered the wine and brought home a jug of good stuff not the crap you pick up at the grocery store for 8 lousy bucks a bottle.”
And… put that damned book down I’m talking to you.”
“I’m sorry, you were saying?”
Oh, now I remember why I started this column. It was this item in Uncle John’s Heavy Duty Bathroom Reader that got me going – one of the little blurbs along the bottom of the page. Are your ready?
The Catholic Church recognizes more than 10,000 saints. Four of them are Americans.
The 10,000 I will go along with, but four Americans? Come on John, that’s BS and you know it.
(Image Supplied)
