Adorn Your Table
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
If you recall, today we will be beginning our journey into the world of cookery not learned in the pristine world of the great chefs who practice their skills and culinary magic in the great hotels and world-class dining establishments of Paris, Rome and Coldwater, but in the jungle just down from the LCBO at the foot of Mississaga Street in Orillia.
We begin, as promised with the appetizers, or as they comme on dit dans Le Cordon Bleu Paris – les nibblies.
Smoked Oysters
Wend your way to the nearest ocean, stream, pond, pool or mud puddle and drag your fingers through the muck until you feel something mushy and roughly in the shape of an oyster or a testicle. Run your treasure under a hose until most of the mud disappears and pop it into a clean can or pocket.
Wrap the lump in a strip of bacon, salt pork, or something similar and poke it onto a pointed stick. If it doesn’t move or cry out, you very likely have an oyster — or a creature reasonably close to one.
Smoke it.
To serve: Arrange smoked oysters in a circular pattern on a sterling silver salver or garbage can lid. In some of the fancier restaurants, toothpicks with tinsel paper wrapped around the ends are supplied to add to the dining experience. In the absence of fancy toothpicks, try a few twigs garnished with streamers cut from the coloured comics’ section of any of the nation’s finer newspapers. In the highly likely situation wherein you do not subscribe to the aforementioned paper, a quick tour around your neighbourhood on Saturday morning should turn up several lying in wait on doorsteps, rooftops or flowerbeds depending on the accuracy and strength of the delivery person. Often they come in a blue polyethylene sleeve that can later be used as foot coverings on a rainy day.
Should a guest ask for seconds, (although no one ever has) it might be advisable to phone 911 immediately. His or her chances of survival may depend on timely medical intervention.
Deep-Fried Zucchini
If there was ever a vegetable that needed to be eaten – and quickly, it is the zucchini. The zucchini is a member of the squash family. Not a close family member however. A zucchini is more like your Uncle Harry who is doing time for that disgusting thing with the penguin, as opposed to your good-looking cousin, Jane, who has her own apartment and has ever so many dates with prominent businessmen and sailors.
Squash, unfortunately, tastes exactly as it sounds and zucchinis are no better. They give a whole new meaning to the word bland. Zucchinis have no flavour, no vitamins, and as far as we have been able to ascertain, no nutritional value whatsoever. As a matter of fact, zucchinis are almost totally useless. For the past 3,000 years they have been used almost exclusively as filler or compost. To the everlasting regret of the agricultural industry, the stuff grows like wildfire. Zucchinis left to their own devices would overgrow a whole city in a week and a half. Therefore it is your civic duty to pawn this stuff off on your friends and acquaintances in hopes that they, and it, will eventually go away. Failing that, a zucchini garden should be bulldozed under at least once a week.
Zucchinis, although useless as food, do make excellent decorative lumps to fill out your tray of appetizers – especially if they are deep-fried in *batter to hide what they really are.
At some of the finer dinner parties, particularly when the lighting is dim, people have actually eaten a zucchini before the word got out what was lurking under the suspicious coating.
In a recent survey conducted by StatsCan, more zucchinis have been seen at dinner parties and public gatherings in North America in the 1990s and early 2000s than any other similar-shaped article — with the exception of Donald Trump’s wiener.
Batter *
To make a passable zucchini batter, mix equal portions of flour, plaster of Paris and library paste in a large bowl or paint can.
Dip the zucchini into batter and drop into cooking oil. (We recommend Valvoline
5-W-30. It has a light flavour unlike tar or diesel oil and is less likely to clot at 20 below zero.) It is not necessary to wash a zucchini since no one in his or her right mind will ever eat it.
Once the lump has congealed and resembles something you might see on a lawn or on the statue of David, lift out with a slotted spoon and place beside the ring of Smoked Oysters. Be careful not to put a zucchini between two oysters. It could cause the single ladies at the party to giggle or smirk.
* Can also be used for fish as long as there is an Englishman around to make it properly.
Cocktail Puffs
Let’s face it; you are not likely to be in a financial position to offer your guests a vast array of delicacies to keep nibbling at until the entrée can be stolen. Therefore one should be aware there are a number of titbits that usually adorn appetizer trays that are relatively inexpensive. Titbits are a must for a party menu since they take up a lot of space and will never be eaten. Oh I’m sure the occasional foreign person may try one of these little mysteries, but only once. Just such a culinary treat is the Cocktail Puff. The great advantage of loading a tray with these surprisingly tantalizing snacks is they can be of any size and they contain absolutely nothing.
Take a wad of batter (see above) and form into little balls by rolling around in your hands until grey. Place on a greasy pan and bake at 350F until just warm and chewy. Insert an inflation needle attached to the hose of an oxygen or helium tank available at most unlocked hospital storerooms. Fill puffs until they expand to about an inch or two. Any larger and the puffs will be floating around the chandelier – not that you will ever have to worry about that.
Arrange on hors d’oeuvres tray. Pass out earplugs and stand well back.
Have whisk and tray handy for flying teeth.
Next week, we begin serious cooking lessons – soup.
(Image Supplied)
