Works Every Time
A Geezer’s Notebook, By Jim Foster
February 10, 2019
For this was on seynt Voluntynys day
Whan euery bryd comyth there to chese his make.
Geoffrey Chaucer (1382)
Who among us has not said those very words to our true love as he or she awakened on a February 14th morn? Really? Never? I guess it’s just me then.
Yes, dear hearts, once again it is that time of year when lovers or friends with benefits across the land celebrate their romantic attachments with flowers, chocolates, and in more civilized homes a quart of grain alcohol. But don’t you think it’s odd that some ancient swain high on the ecstasy of love named the day after a saint? I was under the impression saints were not known for their prowess in the bedroom, or behind a bush or under a blanket on the beach at Bass Lake Provincial Park on a sunny Sunday afternoon (I witnessed that tryst 50 years ago and to this day I can’t decide if the couple was madly in love or just plain mad).
But as I was saying about the saint thing, I don’t remember reading anywhere that Joan of Arc was quite the little party girl. Had I known that when I was 14, I might have cut her picture out of my Grade 9 History book and taped it inside my locker instead of the one of Jane Russell lying in a haymow from the movie, Outlaw.
Perhaps Emperor Claudius didn’t do St. Valentine in for being a Christian after all. Maybe he was caught climbing out of Mrs. Claudius’ window while old Claude was orating in the Senate or whatever it was Roman Emperors did to earn their keep.
Regardless of the reason, lovers everywhere honour Val’s name each year and greeting card manufacturers and florists even more so.
If one wants to continue enjoying one’s current relationship, sending a card is a must. Another must is a stamp. Lord only knows how many homes have been broken apart when a handsome mail person attempted to collect the insufficient postage and stayed a week. That happened to a friend of ours 25 years ago and he’s still there. The trouble with that arrangement of course, is once she can find the price of a stamp he’s out of there.
But there are Valentine’s Day cards and there are Valentine’s Day cards. One must be careful to choose one that conveys the message one really wants to send to a loved one. For instance, the innocent sentiment a romantic wants to pass along to a past love could be misinterpreted should he or she choose a card that hints at renewing that relationship. So expressions like, ‘hitting the sack’ or ‘Will you bring the protection or shall I?’ should be avoided if at all possible.
One should be equally wary of the greeting one sends to a current wife, lover, or attractive neighbour. A card that starts, ‘Dear Sir or Madam’ and ends with, ‘Your obedient servant’ is not likely to lead to an evening of passion and romance. Although the ‘obedient servant’ phrase may be quite acceptable if the wife or mistress is in to black leather and wears thigh-high jackboots around the house.
Care too should also be exercised when choosing a gift, particularly if one is in the early stages of a relationship. Teenage boys should think twice about sending peekaboo undies to the girl who sits beside him in Grade 11 chemistry, especially if her name is Tamiko Yamaguchi and her father is a Sumo wrestler. I have, or rather, had a friend who sent a bra to a pretty Sicilian girl in Grade 9. Her father, Big Tony, had his head made into a wind instrument. That was extreme of course; most cases of bad judgement only result in 6 or 7 months in Intensive Care.
Even flowers can be risky if the lovers live in tropical climes where bees abound. The best advice I can give is ‘think before you send’. And don’t be too embarrassed to ask for help. There are literally thousands of cards available all over town and I’m sure that any salesperson would be only too happy to assist you. Just call out, “Hey there girlie, haul your big fat bottom out from behind that counter and get me a nice card for the girlfriend and while you are at it, pick out one for the wife too.”
I guarantee she will choose just the right one.
